The Circle of Security Approach for Parents and Children: Building a Strong, Secure Attachment
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The Circle of Security (COS) approach is a widely respected, evidence-based framework designed to strengthen the emotional bond between parents and children. Rooted in decades of attachment research, the Circle of Security helps parents and caregivers understand children’s emotional needs, respond more effectively to behavior, and create a foundation of security that supports lifelong emotional health, resilience, and relationships.
In an era where parenting advice is abundant but often conflicting, the Circle of Security stands out for its clarity, depth, and focus on relationship building, rather than control.
What Is the Circle of Security?
The Circle of Security is a visual and relational model that explains what children need from parents and caregivers in order to feel safe, confident, and emotionally regulated. At its core, the model teaches that children need two essential experiences:
Support to explore the world
Comfort and protection when they return
The “circle” represents a child moving outward to explore, and inward to seek reassurance. The parent’s, or caregiver’s role is to remain a secure base and safe haven throughout both phases.
Rather than focusing on fixing behavior, the Circle of Security focuses on understanding the emotional needs driving behavior.
The Two Halves of the Circle
The Top of the Circle - Supporting Exploration
At the top of the circle, children are curious and motivated to explore, play, and learn. During this phase, parents or caregivers are asked to:
Watch over the child
Delight in who the child is
Help when needed
Support exploration without interfering
When parents provide encouragement without control, children develop confidence, independence, and healthy risk-taking.
The Bottom of the Circle - Providing Comfort and Protection
At the bottom of the circle, children return with needs for closeness, reassurance, or emotional support. Here, parents or caregivers are encouraged to:
Welcome the child’s emotions
Protect and comfort
Organize overwhelming feelings
Help the child calm down
This process teaches children that emotions are manageable and that support is available when needed.
A Secure Attachment: The Goal of the Circle of Security
The Circle of Security is grounded in attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded through decades of research. A secure attachment forms when children consistently experience parents and caregivers as emotionally available, responsive, and reliable.
Children with a secure attachment tend to:
Regulate emotions more effectively
Show greater resilience under stress
Develop stronger relationships later in life
Exhibit fewer behavioral and emotional difficulties
The Circle of Security helps parents become more aware of how their responses shape a child’s internal sense of safety.
Understanding “Shark Music”
A unique feature of the Circle of Security approach is the concept of “shark music.” Shark music refers to the uncomfortable feelings, fears, or past experiences that get activated in caregivers during parenting moments.
For example, a parent may feel anxious when a child becomes upset or frustrated when a child seeks closeness. These reactions often come from the caregiver’s own attachment history rather than the child’s actual needs.
By recognizing shark music, parents can pause, reflect, and choose responses that support the child rather than react from fear or frustration.
Why the Circle of Security Is Evidence-Based
The Circle of Security approach is supported by extensive research showing improvements in:
Parent sensitivity and emotional attunement
Child emotional regulation
Attachment security
Reduction in behavioral problems
It has been successfully used with families facing stress, trauma, adoption, foster care transitions, and everyday parenting challenges. The focus on relationship repair and emotional safety makes it effective across diverse family systems.
How the Circle of Security Helps Parents
The Circle of Security does not ask parents to be perfect. Instead, it emphasizes being “good enough” and willing to repair mistakes. Parents learn to:
Read emotional cues more accurately
Respond instead of react
Tolerate children’s big feelings
Strengthen trust through consistency and repair
This approach reduces parental guilt and overwhelm while increasing confidence and clarity.
Long-Term Benefits for Children
Children raised within a Circle of Security framework develop a strong internal sense of safety. Over time, this supports:
Better stress management
Healthier peer and romantic relationships
Greater emotional intelligence
Improved mental and physical health outcomes
Secure attachment becomes a lifelong resource, not just a childhood benefit.
Final Thoughts
The Circle of Security approach offers parents a powerful, compassionate roadmap for raising emotionally healthy children. By focusing on connection rather than control, and understanding rather than correction, caregivers create the conditions children need to thrive.
At its heart, the Circle of Security reminds us of a simple but profound truth: children do best when they feel safe to explore, and safe to return to their parents to share.