The Misunderstanding of Love: The Attraction of Limerence
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Love is one of the most desired human experiences, yet it is also one of the most misunderstood. Many people believe they are “in love” when what they are actually experiencing is limerence - a powerful psychological state marked by obsession, idealization, and emotional dependency. Because limerence can feel intense, it is often mistaken for deep connection. This misunderstanding has significant consequences for loving relationships, emotional health, and long-term satisfaction.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is a term used to describe an involuntary state of romantic fixation characterized by intrusive thoughts, emotional highs and lows, and an intense desire for reciprocation. When someone is in limerence, their attention becomes narrowly focused on another person, often referred to as the “limerent object.” This fixation can dominate thinking, emotional regulation, and decision-making.
Unlike love, limerence thrives on uncertainty. The unpredictability of attention, affection, or approval fuels emotional intensity. Small signals of validation feel euphoric, while perceived rejection can trigger anxiety or despair. These emotional swings are often interpreted as passion, reinforcing the belief that something meaningful is occurring.
Why Limerence Feels Like Love
Limerence activates the brain’s reward system. Neurochemicals such as dopamine are released during anticipation and intermittent reinforcement, creating a cycle similar to addiction. This biochemical response explains why limerence feels exhilarating and consuming, especially in the early stages.
Because popular culture often portrays love as intense longing or emotional urgency, limerence aligns closely with romantic myths. Hollywood movies, music, and media frequently equate love with obsession and high emotional intensity. As a result, many people learn to associate emotional intensity with love and being loved.
The Key Differences Between Love and Limerence
Love is grounded in mutual respect, emotional safety, emotional support and care. It allows for individuality, stability, and growth over time.
Limerence is rooted in fantasy and projection.
The limerent person often connects more to an imagined version of the other person than to who they truly are.
Real love builds security and connection, whereas limerence drives emotions of uncertainty. Love supports calm connection and ideally a secure attachment; limerence amplifies anxiety and preoccupation. Love thrives on consistency and reciprocity, while limerence feeds on emotional intensity and emotional unpredictability.
Importantly, love does not require self-abandonment, limerence usually does. People experiencing limerence may override their needs, values, or boundaries in pursuit of what they “think” is love.
Why Some People Are More Prone to Limerence
Limerence is not random. It often emerges from unresolved emotional needs, attachment wounds, or early relational experiences. Individuals who experienced inconsistency, emotional unavailability, or conditional affection in childhood may unconsciously associate love with longing and pursuit. For these individuals, emotional distance can feel familiar, even safe.
Limerence recreates early attachment dynamics by keeping connection just out of reach. The pursuit becomes the relationship, and the nervous system mistakes activation, stimulation and emotional highs for love.
Low self-worth, emotional deprivation, or a lack of a secure attachment can also increase vulnerability to limerence. In these cases, the attention of another person becomes a source of regulation rather than connection.
The Cost of Confusing Limerence With Love
When limerence is mistaken for love, people may stay in unbalanced or emotionally unavailable relationships, hoping intensity will eventually turn into stability. This often leads to repeated disappointment, emotional exhaustion, and relational trauma.
Limerence can also interfere with genuine intimacy. Because it relies on fantasy, it discourages authenticity. Fear of losing the connection may prevent honest communication or emotional vulnerability. Over time, this erodes trust and self-respect.
Perhaps most damaging is the belief that calm, secure relationships lack passion. This misconception causes many people to overlook healthy partners in favor of emotionally activating dynamics that feel familiar and intense, but are emotionally unsafe.
Relearning What Love Actually Is
Healthy love is not chaotic. It does not require constant reassurance or emotional turbulence. Love is built through consistency, mutual effort, emotional availability, and the capacity to repair after conflict. A healthy loving relationship allows both people to feel seen, heard and fully understood.
Moving beyond limerence involves developing emotional awareness and nervous system regulation. When individuals learn to tolerate calm connection and recognize the difference between excitement and safety, their definition of love begins to change. This shift does not mean ignoring attraction or desire - it means grounding them in reality rather than fantasy.
A Healthier Understanding of Love
The misunderstanding of love and the attraction of limerence can be deeply ingrained, but it does not need to be permanent. With insight and self-reflection, people can learn to distinguish emotional activation from emotional connection.
Love is not found in obsession or uncertainty. It is found in presence, predictability, mutual respect and care for one another. Real, enduring love is less dramatic - instead, it is far more fulfilling, stable and genuine.