An attachment style is the specific way in which we relate to others in relationships. Attachment styles are very powerful and strongly define how we respond emotionally and in interactions with others as an adult. People differ in their attachment styles based on their early interactions with their primary caregivers, usually their mother and father.
Attachment theory was introduced by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in the 1950s. It now has a huge amount of evidence behind its validity. According to their work, attachment styles are shaped and developed in our early childhood as a response to the relationship we had with our parents or primary caregivers.
There are five types of attachment styles that have been discovered: secure, anxious, avoidant-dismissive, ambivalent-resistant and disorganized, but couples need more help in understanding how attachment styles affect loving relationships.
In this article I will cover the avoidant-dismissive attachment style because this attachment style causes a lot of problems in loving relationships. It can be very confusing and painful to be on the receiving end of an avoidant-dismissive attachment style with someone you care about, or indeed love deeply.
Attachment styles are powerful. They are much more powerful than the rational mind. They define our behavior in relationships. However, once someone is more conscious of their own attachment style, they can gradually, with professional support and personal persistence and effort, break the grip their attachment style has on their interactions with others, and behavior.
By understanding your attachment style and learning to observe your behavior and catch impulses, you can work to change your behavior driven by your attachment style, because your behavior is not invisible to you any longer. So, with work you can improve the quality of your interactions in relationships in your life, and your loving relationship too even with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style.
What is the Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style?
The avoidant-dismissive attachment style is one of the insecure attachment styles. Don’t take the word insecure to heart, because it is my estimate that eighty percent or more of Americans have attachment style issues related to us needing to learn more about how parenting impacts us as children. However do note, people with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style can struggle to build a loving relationship, as they tend to dismiss or avoid other people’s feelings, partly due to suppressing their own feelings and emotions, and an intense focus on their own goals. An avoidant-dismissive person can be very self-focused: CEOs, leaders, athletes, scientists and professors can tend to be in the avoidant-dismissive spectrum due to being more focused on self, rather than on building relationships.
An avoidant-dismissive person can struggle to tolerate regular emotional intimacy, as the closeness makes them feel trapped or that the relationship is over-bearing. They are wary of closeness and hesitate to build an emotional connection with others. They can’t trust others easily, and stay emotionally unavailable in relationships. Neither do they want to rely on others, nor do they allow people to rely on them. They feel safer and more comfortable caring for themselves and behave as if they don’t need the support and care of others.
They value independence and freedom, but find change and letting someone into their life fully, very difficult. Though they may fall in love intensely or enter into a loving relationship, they crave independence as they feel safer on their own than being in a loving relationship. This is a particularly difficult attachment style to date or be in a loving relationship with. Most people who say their partner is narcissistic, are actually dating an avoidant-dismissive attachment style.
What Causes the Setup of an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style?
It stems from growing up with parents or primary caregivers who were consistently emotionally unresponsive or emotionally unavailable during the early years of an individual’s childhood. The book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel Goleman, which was written in 1995 has helped people collectively to wake up to their emotional intelligence and emotional world, with emotional intelligence collectively needing to become much more mainstream alongside relationship skills and relationship intelligence. But people with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style have usually experienced constant or many rejections as a child, when they have tried to express their feelings or emotions. They may also have experienced disapproval when they tried to express or display their feelings or emotions, instead of acceptance and support. For example, when a child, they may have tried to express sadness and their parents or primary caregivers may have shown upset, disapproval, displeasure or encouraged the child to dismiss their feelings and emotions due to their own attachment style, or lack of parenting skills. This leaves them with the habit of suppressing their feelings and emotions, or prevents them from expressing them naturally as an adult.
The parents or primary caregivers might too have expected their child to behave independently and as an adult far too young, instead of encouraging them to show up with all of their feelings and emotions and to learn at the child’s own pace.
An avoidant-dismissive attachment style can commonly develop when someone has non-biological parents or caregivers, it shows up as distrust later in life.
How does an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style Benefit an Individual?
Attachment styles also have benefits. Individuals with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style respond quickly to threats and can identify problems rapidly. Their rapid ability to evaluate others issues enables them to solve issues or decrease the impact of problems quickly. As a result, people with avoidant-dismissive attachment styles are often incredibly productive independently, and self-reliant. They rarely require the support of others in making decisions because they don’t trust others. They will elicit more confidence in their decisions and usually have greater abilities due to self-reliance. They are more likely to push themselves toward achieving their goals and to achieve individual success. However, they need to develop greater compassion and empathy for themselves and others, and learn to develop relationships with greater presence, emotional intelligence, and develop relationship building skills.
What is it like to have a Loving Relationship with a Person with an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style?
Having a loving relationship with an avoidant-dismissive personality can be very challenging, stressful, uncomfortable and even very painful, especially if you are a genuine, sincere person. When you avoid or dismiss another in a loving relationship, where the heart is more open, this causes confusion, hurt, upset or a cascade of negative emotions to the person on the receiving end, because relationships require honesty and reciprocity and psychological responsiveness.
Dismissing or avoiding another is a disregard of respect for that person’s feelings or emotions, and so it can be very painful and confusing to be on the receiving end of avoidant-dismissive interactions or behavior.
As part of their avoidant-dismissive attachment behavior, these individuals tend to be and want to remain mostly independent in their loving relationship. Since they were not allowed to, or were unable to express their feelings or emotions during their early childhood. So, they try to avoid situations where they feel uncomfortable in relationships.
An avoidant-dismissive personality can be less demanding on a loving relationship with a partner, because an avoidant-dismissive person is more comfortable on their own, and uncomfortable committing to a meaningful loving relationship where deeper feelings, emotions and vulnerabilities will come up.
They can usually stay respectful of the other person’s boundaries but will constantly cause the other person stress due to avoiding or dismissing words, actions or behavior. They want freedom because this is comfortable for them. But they may be very reserved in sharing their feelings and emotions, and uncomfortable being vulnerable.
This attachment style can be worked through with a highly skilled professional counselor, therapist or credentialed coach who is experienced in working with attachment styles.
In general, avoidant-dismissive individuals avoid closeness and intimacy in a loving relationship because they struggle with their own feelings, emotions, and to trust. Being aware of their personality will help you to understand them in a more loving way, but it can be a very difficult attachment style to date, or to be in a serious relationship with this attachment style.
Can a Person Change an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style Personality?
It is possible to work through an avoidant-dismissive attachment style to be a secure attachment style. It may though take some time and effort with regular weekly sessions with a highly skilled professional counselor, therapist or credentialed coach. In between sessions the individual also needs to be paying constant attention to their impulses, interactions with others, and behavior, to break the grip of the avoidant-dismissive attachment style. By paying attention and becoming more aware of their impulses to avoid or dismiss and changing them to be more compassionate and developing empathy as a skill, and having more intimacy, an individual can gradually change over time from being avoidant-dismissive to being able to succeed with love.
I recommend using Self-Reflection daily to analyze existing avoidant-dismissive attachment patterns and to become more self-aware. Gradually an avoidant-dismissive attachment-based person can become more secure in relationships and in a loving relationship with professional support, and if they really want to work on changing this attachment style, they can succeed with love.
An avoidant-dismissive person can focus on being present in the relationship, rather than distracted, and improve their emotional awareness by sensing bodily sensations to become more connected to their impulses, interactions and behavior, rather than constantly running on, and acting on their emotions.
If you want a loving relationship you will need emotional intelligence to develop relationship intelligence.
An avoidant-dismissive person can develop by being around people or families who are securely attached to learn from, or to model their interactions and behavior, and find balance. They can also use a highly skilled counselor, therapist or credentialed coach to work through their avoidant-dismissive attachment-based challenges in sessions.
Will an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Person ever Commit?
An avoidant-dismissive partner finds it very hard to commit deeply to a loving relationship. They appear to have higher self-esteem, but stay emotionally distant due to emotional intimacy and trust being difficult for them. In romantic relationships, they can often think that they are superior to the other person and position themselves as such, and give verbal dismisses like ‘work on being happy’ but this is a defense mechanism to deflect their partner from getting close to them. It is easier for them to avoid intimacy in a loving relationship. They prefer to have non-committed relationships, or a friend with benefits scenario, or hookups than a loving committed relationship. A deeply committed loving relationship is sadly too difficult for them to allow or trust. This can be worked on and changed with willingness, effort, and by working with a highly skilled counselor, therapist or credentialed coach. Basically, if a person is mature enough to enter into counseling, therapy or coaching they can learn more deeply about their avoidant-dismissive attachment traits and behavior associated with this, and work to become more secure and comfortable enough to succeed in a loving relationship.
Can Avoidant-Dismissive People have a Successful Loving Relationship?
Our attachment style influences dramatically how we feel and interact in relationships, and feel and interact in our loving relationship. Attachment styles are very powerful. An avoidant-dismissive person can have a successful loving relationship once they acknowledge their attachment style and are willing to work on the detrimental effect it can have on their loving relationship, if they continue acting out with avoidant-dismissive behavior.
It is my experience of working with individuals and couples that an avoidant-dismissive person can with effort, work and professional support and guidance move to a more secure attachment style within themselves, but it usually takes more longer-term counseling, therapy or coaching.
Do Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Individuals Commonly End Loving Relationships?
In general, an individual with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style will more likely end or move on from a loving relationship, even without any problems or reasons. This can be very painful for the innocent person on the receiving end, especially if it comes as a reaction or surprise with no clear reasoning. This behavior is part of protecting themselves from building emotional intimacy with another, and the feelings and emotions that come with a loving relationship.
An avoidant-dismissive person will commonly distance themselves from a loving relationship, rather than commit to being loved, cared about and supported. They are more comfortable living an independent, self-reliant life, even if stressful and unenjoyable. This is more comfortable for them than opening up and committing to someone who loves, cares for and wants to support them. Tragic but true.
People with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style may too be more comfortable having a loving relationship that they know is not quite right for them for convenience. This way they can get their companionship and physical needs met, but remain guarded, and so avoid emotional intimacy and deep feelings and emotions.
Summing Up
The avoidant-dismissive attachment style is common in society due to misunderstandings in how parenting affects children. They find it difficult to build trust, emotional intimacy and closeness in a loving relationship as an adult. The good news is they can transform themselves into a secure attachment style by working with a highly skilled professional counselor, therapist or credentialed coach.
